just a TINY little problem
by NamesAreHardToComeUpWith
Summary: my take on minihammer shenanigans. what's different? well, more than one guy gets an army, for one. want to know what else? well, read it yourself.
1. Chapter 1: in which we meet some guys

Warhammer 40k:Tiny hammer

**taken from an idea on 4chan of a "what if" scenario if the WH40k armies were in present time but only as big as their miniature counterparts. Basically, space marines are the size of your thumb, monoliths come up to your ankle, and imperator titans are the size of a van.**

**I know toyhammer/others have done this... but hey? Maybe things'll be different (in a good way) in my version. Like him though, i'm not going to include all armies at once, start with a few and maybe work my way up from there. Which few, you ask? Read and find out, please. Oh, and review if you have a spare minute. Thank you!. things really get different in chapter 2.**

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><p>Captain Grunswy watched over the battlefield for a moment. Just a small moment, and he knew things would not end well for the followers of the Emperor. It had because a complete maelstrom of violence and treachery, and even supposed allies seemed to turn against him.<p>

On the industrial world of Akrarg, eldar had started an assault on a monastery erected for the space marines of the Black Memoirs chapter, which had lost the last of its space marines on Akrarg defending its foundries from the forces of chaos. Their loss was great, but the losses they gave to the iron warriors was enough that the imperial guard regiment stationed there could wipe them out.

And then, the eldar attacked their holy resting place with a claim that the 2nd company captain of the Black Memoirs had stolen a priceless artifact from the eldar and taken it to the grave. The imperial guard regiment stationed there, the Cadian 664th, then called requesting for help. Their call for help was answered by a chapter well known for its close brotherhood with the Black Memoirs.

The Crimson hunters. As the eldar gained ground within the Capital of Akrarg, the Crimson Hunters rained upon them with drop pods and fury blazing. The only thing that insulted the Hunters more than the assumption that a Black Memoirs captain treasured a Xeno artifact is that the eldar wished to desecrate the graves of their brothers to attain their goal.

The hunter's campaign progressed well. Aided by the Cadian 664th, the crimson hunters pushed back the eldar in a bloody swathe until they were completely ousted from the capital and scattered. What would have been a great victory were it not for the orks, which had just made clumsy planet fall a day after the eldar repulsion.

Were it not bad enough, the inquisition's Ordo Xeno had just entered the system, and with their deathwatch militants were most eager to make depart the Xeno from Akrarg's surface. By any means necessary. They also became the foes of the Cadian 664th and Crimson Hunters when they told the eldar that their artifact would be returned to them, in return for their help stopping the ork WAAAGH and the eldar afterward leaving the system.

Then came more inquisitorial troubles. Only this time it was in their favor. Originally here to inspect the Cadian 664th, when they noticed the nigh heretical actions of the ordo xenos operatives in-system, the sisters of battle were deployed in-system, to aid the Cadian 664th and the Crimson Hunters. Their one singular stroke of luck in this ordeal. Being Akrarg's offensive arm, they brought the fight directly to the orks reinforcements, cutting off the waaagh from the fresh bodies and supplies they needed.

So now, outside the walls of Akrarg's capital Akarq was an unstoppable storm of violence and conflicting interests. The Eldar and the Orks were brutally fighting eachother for purchase to assault the capital next. Whoever won the war waged in front of his eyes would be coming for him next. Captain Fayhr Grunswy knew this and accepted it with no regret. He had done his duty to the Emperor, and to his brothers. But judging by the battle in front of him, it would take quite a while for that fate to reach him.

"Captain, another ship has dropped into the system and is hailing all imperium for- wait, no. they're broadcasting on all frequencies. Even the orks and the eldar should be able to hear this." Said an imperial guardsman vox operator crouching near his equipment, beckoning the captain over. "It's another inquisition frequency, sir. Hope these ones aren't here to fight us this time..."

Fayhr listened carefully to the garbled message, picking out all the words he could with the bad connection. "All imperium... requested... disengage... warp storm...inquistion... malleus... Emperor. The message ends there, but much of it is lost to us. Not too much to understand its meaning. There is a warp storm approaching rapidly. The Ordo Malleus must have noticed our presence in this system and come to warn us, perhaps by accident. And they request we disengage and leave this place, in the name of the emperor." Fayhr increased the volume of his voice with his latter explanations, causing all those nearby to understand the Malleus' message.

"What do you suggest we do, Captain Grunswy?" questioned General Caerus Lomnend, Commander of the 664th Cadian and the one in charge or the world security of Akrarg. "Do we simply flee before the warp takes us? After all we've done?"

"What you and your men do is your business, general. Me and my battle-brothers shall stay here, and honor the graves of our brothers with our company, no matter what happens." Grunswy stated, turning to face the general. "If you do choose to leave, however, please find a way to contact our brothers. Tell them of our fate."

The general loudly scoffed, attracting the attention of many, guardsman and space marine alike. "I am afraid you'll have to ask someone else, Captain. We have been charged with the duty of protecting this world, and that is what we will do until reordered or dead. And if the need be, we will die honorably. For the Emperor."

The Captain just looked at him with a look of approval, and a slight smile. He had always liked the man who, despite being three feet shorter than any space marine, was not intimidated by their presence and always gave his candid, and pious, opinion.

"General, sir! They seem to be breaking off." Shouted Commissar Felicia Mortice, a part of the general's retinue. "Judging by their losses, it will not last. They're getting resupplied and will restart fighting very soon."

"Let's hope they fight right in front of us again." Shouted the General jokingly "after all, my tech-priests tell me they just fixed a couple of our basilisks lost during the chaos campaign. Who wants to make them fear earthshakers?"

The guardsmen all shouted out enthusiastically. The general had always been a popular figure, encouraging his men and almost forcing his commissars to execute soldiers a lot less often. He was a great fan of Ciaphas Cain, after all. Not only that, but he was never afraid to join to front line himself where the need may be.

The shout faded as the sky behind the general turned from a sunset red to deep purple, and the world itself seemed to distort. Mountains far away looked stretched and clouds turned blood red.

"Captain" said the lord general, wearing a much more serious look on his brow. "Is that the warp storm?"

"I am not sure... but judging by its effect on the land, I would think so." Captain Grunswy responded calmly.

"Is there anything... any preparation we can make for this?" Asked Commissar Mortice, a slight edge in her voice.

"No, commissar. Now, we can only believe. Believe that the emperor protects" Answered Fayhr, making the symbol of the Aquilla. Every guardsman and space marine nearby did the same, and a great flash of purple light engulfed them all.

When Fayhr opened his eyes again, he was alone. And upon further inspection, he was in a building, the likes he had never before seen. Everything was gigantic! He opened a vox channel and was answered by General Caerus.

"Captain! Glad to hear your voice. When the light struck, we were separated from you. We are all here though, with your exception."

"Define 'here', general. Where are you? How do I get to your location?" Fayhr asked, more questions rushing through his mind.

"We seem to be in a forest made of grass... which is taller than we are! Even your marines are shorter than it is... we have spotted what seems to be a ludicrously huge castle, big enough to store imperators. We are moving there now."

"Understood. I believe myself to be in this castle, I will find you as soon as you find your way ins-" Fayhr cut off, muted by what he had just seen. And what just saw him.

It was a titan... yet not. A monstrously huge human, so large even the forces of chaos could not have done it. Even the Emperor would not have created such a thing for any purpose. Fayhr was surprised even more when the titan fixated him and loudly yelled:"What the hell?"

The sound, to Fayhr's genetically upgraded hearing, was like listening to noise marines, which was never pleasant.

"Captain! Captain! Are you there? We heard a... A... An incredibly loud noise coming from the castle! Captain? Please respond!" The general's voice almost inaudible by the damage the titans scream had done. Fayhr had still however heard it, and responded slowly, with an awes-struck voice:

"I... found an imperator... human..."

-Meanwhile, in the woods-

Canoness Alhmeda rubbed her temple in exasperation. Why couldn't the ordo malleus give them a warning ANY SOONER?

It wouldn't be that bad, of course, if there weren't snails half her size.

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><p>Please R&amp;R (True madness with the PoVs start next chapter.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2: What's goin on?

**Minihammer 40k Chapter 2**

**well, PoV madness starts here. I just want to say that I encourage people who want to write their own mini/tiny/toy-hammer stories. Each version's changes brings its own freshness. Mostly after the original toyhammer went into the dreaming stuff. Why rougepsyker, why! You were doing it so well before!**

**To my dear Reviewers:**

**DoctorEleven: Thank you! and yeah, i've read it. it's great!**

**THE RFA: Fine geez**

**Aleron's sword: That was then, this is now.  
><strong>

**Ahem, let's get this show on the road.I don't own Warhammer 40k. Which sucks, cuz then i'd get miniatures at a reduced price.**

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><p><strong>Captain Fayhr Grunswy<strong>

It had seen me.

The Imperator-man, as I've resigned myself to call it, had seen me. Judging from its roar, it wasn't happy either. I had to weigh my options carefully.

The first of my options would be to fight. My jump pack would give me good mobility, and the Imperator-man would have a tough time hitting me. Then again, he even swats me and I can no longer fight.

Another of my options would be to escape. Find a window, break through and meet the general and my battle brothers outside. Then we could, at the very least, offer up a powerful resistance. Attack from a position of strength. But the Imperator-man was faster and more mobile than I was. He would catch up and destroy me.

My final option remains my best. He is no xeno, and judging from the scale of things, it is I who is small and not him who is large. The reason the Imperium stands, after all, is because we stand together. Mankind will prevail, and he is of mankind. I trust in the emperor.

"Calm yourself, Imperator-man,. I surrender." I Said as loudly as I could, amplifying my helmet's vox to the highest level.

It had worked surprisingly well, to my satisfaction. He had not moved since his original outburst, but when I admitted my surrender he advanced, rather cautiously, to his credit, closer to me and crouched down in front of me.

"And what exactly" He said, thankfully without screaming this time "Are you supposed to be?"

"That answer will have to come later, Imperator-man." I answered him, before using my jump pack to get up on his shoulder. He was visibly surprised, but didn't shake me off. "For now, may I ask that you walk a circle around this home? I have some allies who could use you as a landmark."

"Erm, fine? I guess?" he said, visibly confused by now, and stood up. I had almost lost my balance and fell, but managed to hang on by impaling his shirt's collar with my right hand's lightning claws. "How do I recognize your friends?"

"Oh, they're a small army" I answered him. Then, the irony suddenly hit me with the subtlety of an ork nob. "Quite literally, in our case. Besides, they should contact me when they see you."

Still,when we went outside, I was rather surprised. The Imperator-man was surprisingly young, yet owned a house akin to the size of a mansion. Also, he lived right next to a forest! Questions began to stir, but I had no time to ask them now.

It was finally when the Imperator-man turned a corner that my vox crackled, and the general spoke to me. "Captain! There is a giant... well, titanic... man here!"

"Do not be afraid, general. The Imperator-man is not big, it is simply us who are small." I answered, with a small passing chuckle. "Besides, we have already surrendered to him."

"Surrendered? Captain, I will trust you for now, but you will have to explain this quite clearly." the general sternly finished, and the vox went silent.

"So, these guys your friends?"

"Well, probably..." I said, then I looked down. And I was right. Just not in the way I had expected. Yet, it was impossible, their chapter died out, the geneseed forever lost... how could they be here? "Can you set me down, Imperator-man?"

Used to his new nickname, and the fact he was going to be confused for quite a while, he raised his hand, which I quickly boarded, and set me down near my 'friends'. And I couldn't believe it. Rather, because it was impossible.

The Black Memoirs. 4th company, the one I worked with the most often, here! As Imperator-man set me down, their attention changed from him to me, and I saw what I expected... well, the least, at the moment.

"Fayhr! Old dog, what is happening here?" Their leader stepped forth, motioning his brothers to lower their bolters. "Why is everything so big? Rather, why are we so small? And how did we get h-uuurgghh!"

I could not bear it. After seeing my old friend, after so long a time, I had bear hugged him. A bad habit, or so they said, from when I served in conjunction with space wolves for a decade. Leaving him back on his feet to collect his stomach, I made my concerns clear.

"Eulrak! They told me you were dead! You and your force, shot down while in your strike cruiser, before you could make planetfall! Why did they lie?" I, if a little loudly, asked.

"I think that was no lie. Rather, they didn't know the whole truth." I eyed him oddly, and he understood the sign: explain more. "Our geller field had destabilized while in the warp. Just as we exited it, and the hole still open, it dragged us in. One moment I was wrestling a khornate demon, next moment I was here, and you were telling me over the vox that we had surrendered to the big one. As always, your train of thought eludes all but the most dim-witted, but I trusted you well enough."

"Well, I wasn't trying to tell you, specifically, but rather a guard regiment, the 664th Cadian, that we were working with when... this happened." I said, completely ignoring his joke. "After they get here, we all go inside, explain things to each other, mostly to you Imperator-man." for the last part, I had amplified my voice via the vox again.

"Much appreciated." he answered, then visibly started. "Oh, here come the other guys! Wow, that's a big cannon..."

"Ah, the basilisk. Truly an amazing machine, both in its ability to destroy armies and woo the hearts of men" Eulrak loudly said, copying my trick with the vox. If the Imperator-man made any notice of this, he didn't show it.

It was right there that the sky decided it should start raining. Raindrops of massive proportions started falling down, giving even my men somewhat of a shock when it fell on them. Guardsmen by the dozens were completely drenched after a drop, throw on the ground by two and knocked out by three. All guardsmen not in a chimera made double time to reach them, despite the cries of woe of those already packed inside. As funny as it was, I did have somewhat of a sense of urgency though, and expressed it quite clearly.

"Remember when I said we would go inside? Let's." and, to my complete and utter lack of surprise, the Imperator-man nodded.

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><p><strong>Canoness Alhmeda<strong>

"What? Rain as well?"

I was not pleased. Our forces were one moment slaughtering the enemies of the Emperor, in His glorious name, when suddenly we had ended up here! In a forest where everything dwarfs us in comparison.

"Sisters! Don your helmets, and shrug off this giant rain! The Emperor will not have us halt here!" I shouted, and in immediate response came the setting of two hundred helmets. And we marched on.

Then the scenery changed. As we marched through a rather large foliage, we came upon a row of houses. Emperor bless me, these house were gigantic! Perhaps I had been wrong! Perhaps instead of everything getting bigger, we had been diminished? Maybe the Emperor, in His holy name, was giving us a trial?

"Sisters, advance toward the nearest house! We shall find refuge from the rain in there!" my musings aside, I still had to act as our commander. If the Emperor really was giving us a trial, then realizing the fact was less important than completing His divine will.

Marching across the over-sized field of grass, it was then I realized what I believed earlier to be true. We were small. Everything else was big. For now, getting in cover was an even bigger issue that before. I had lived in the deep countryside before, and even though this wasn't the same, I still expected some people around here to have...

_**Woof!**_

Pets.

"Sisters! Run to the house! May the emperor himself guide our every step!" And protect us from this beast, if I was really lucky. But judging from the rest of this Emperor forsaken day, I was not lucky at all.

So we ran, as fast as the Emperor allowed, and me and my sisters, donned with power-armor, quickly jumped up the steps and we ran to a large window, oddly at ground level. The same could not be said about our armored support, however. As I looked back, I noticed the dog had a rhino in its mouth, and was violently shaking it around.

"Melta infantry! Grant us passage through this window! That we may find refuge from this beast!" I loudly ordered, and was happy to see my sisters comply with due haste. After a quick shout of 'for the Emperor!' the glass was riddled with molten openings, and we wasted no time getting inside it's relative shelter.

Motioning my sisters for silence, I increased the sensitivity of my helmets receivers high enough to hear someone in the distance.

"But mom, you haven't even been gone for two days. If you keep calling like this, you'll never get work done."

One female adolescent, speaking on a device to her mother. Excellent. If we do this right, we can shelter ourselves from the rain and dog, and leave once everything is cleared up, without her ever knowing we were he-

"SISTER! OUR REMAINING TANKS FOUND A WAY INTO THIS HOUSE!" Screamed a sister at the top of her lungs, riding in on one of those said tanks. It did not help that my helmet's receiver sensitivity was maxed out at the time, either. My ears felt like they were splitting by the time I had set sensitivity back to normal.

"Mom, I'll call you back, ok?... Oh, don't be such a worrywart. Bye." said the adolescent, apparently oblivious to our antics. I heard the sound of her footsteps, and I tried to to shepherd my sisters back to a hiding position.

"What do you mean, hide? We already ran from the giant xeno, now you expect us to show fear in the face of the enemy?" Asked one of the sisters, oblivious to the fact that a being fifty times her size could kill her by accident, without even noticing.

"It is not fear we show, but prudence! By showing prudence, we can live longer to serve in the Emperor's holy name." I expected her to make a rebuttal, something about cowardice, but she was just staring behind me. "Besides, what are you looking at?" I said, turning around.

"Canoness, how pleasant to see that I have been completely forgotten." said inquisitor Teliun, who had been standing behind me. "But don't worry, I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to make sure you don't forget again."

That traitor... Heretic! Words left me, and I was left only with the deepest desire to punch him in the gut. Emperor damn me, I was pretty surprised my sisters had not already beaten me to it. It was only then, of course, that I'd noticed the large Eldar force directly behind the Ordo Xenos inquisitor, and I restrained myself.

"Have you calmed down now, Dear Alhmeda?" Damned Heretic! My name was sullied with on his lips! "You don't have to fear the young lady of the house, she has already... consented to be our lodger during these... confusing times. I'm sure that there is a place she can accommodate you... ah! Maybe in the garage? Yes, the orks would find your company most refreshing."

"Pompous fool! You dare ally yourselves with the enemies of the Emperor! I will see you reduced to a mindless servitor!" I loudly yelled, no longer able to contain my righteous fury "You and your xeno allies will all falter under the holy fires of my sisters' flamers! Sisters! To me!"

My sister joined me, making a clear firing line in to eldar ranks. Now, with both armies at a face off, all that was left for me to order them in, and the enemies of the emperor would taste holy retribution! Activating my chainsword, I was about to give the order and-

"Hey! What did I say about fighting?" said the teenager, emerging from the doorway across the giant windows. Which, once I thought of it again, were not windows. They were doors, sized for the gargantuan adolescent who had just entered the room. On her shoulder, I noticed, was an eldar farseer. "If Calenna hadn't told me, imagine the mess you would've made! And... who are the new girls?. Teliun, explain! What's going on!" she paused a moment "Again!"

"Oh yes, Teliun. Explain yourself, heretic." I added, just to add a perfect little push to his anger. This may not be such a bad day after all, seeing his face like that.

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><p><strong>WHATTTT? more than one guy gets an army? (oh wait, that's in the description) The people have a different age? (the dude living alone and the give being a juvie, which'll involve school shenanigans) and a SISTER OF BATTLE who has the restraint to know when to run andor hide? (not sexist, just that SoBs and some Space marines and too stupid to use cover, or conventional tactics.)**

**Well, let me know what you think. Read and Review, no heresy please.**


	3. Chapter 3: In which introductions end

The adventures of inquisitor smallsius and random bull-refuse.

**Well, today in traditional fashion we start shenanigans, and are introduced to a dark, devious force which will... meh, forget that, we know how it goes. KAY-OSSSSSSS nuff less of my foolish author ranting! Let's get cracking.**

**Read and review at your own pleasure.  
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><p>? ? ?<p>

I opened the door and walked in my home. The place seemed completely spotless, far different to how I had left it a few hours ago. But I knew the one responsible.

Moving into the living room, I took a seat on the couch and took a small look to my right. Of course, without having been there a second before he had joined me. Being of his size, I guess I shouldn't be surprised at his incredible stealth anymore.

"So, it's done?" I looked straight at the tiny, maroon armored man, this time making sure to keep my eyes on him: I had to appear strong, in charge.

"Yes it is, the necrons have been reduced to useless scrap, and those cowardly tau made an escape to the woods." The sorcerer said, his voice seemingly lingering in my head, kinda scaring me. He then chuckled, an act more frightening than his preferred way of speaking. "Of course, we couldn't have that, so I conquered the minds of a few of those rodents... squirrels, were they? Yes, I conquered a few of those and made them give chase. Due to their, and our, new size, they should be more than sufficient."

"Excellent." I made sure to keep my gaze directly on him, making myself look fearless despite my inner horror at what the small sorcerer could do with his mind. Horror which was, incredibly, surpassed by my fascination. "So, Aduras, you told me of it earlier. Great, unlimited power?"

Even with his small size and the fact he was wearing a terrifying (if rather silly) helmet, I could tell his face was in the form of a warm, accepting smile. "Yes, child, allow me to bear the word of the dark gods..."

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><p>Imperator-Man<p>

I like to think of myself as a rather rational person. Despite my grandfather's obsession to raise me like a paranoid spec-ops inspector combination, I managed to keep an open mind. A fact which, at a few rare, yet enjoyable, occasions had infuriated him to no end. But this was just eleven levels of silly.

"So you have war-machines so amazingly huge, that anything bigger would be considered a small moon?" I asked Eulrak, who just nodded. "And I remind you of these things?"

"Of course! Look at the difference in our respective sizes!" The imperial guard, if I'm getting it right, general said, in a tone making it sound like I was unreasonable. "Considering what you could have done to us, the captain was right to surrender to you."

Fayhr, on his end, was helping the marines settle in. He seemed to mostly spend his time with the black ones, bear hugging a few and asking questions to those resilient enough to not pass out. They had abandoned trying to get him to help explain, mostly due to the fact he had started cussing and using sound-effects after a certain time of trying to deal with a man who thought they were crazy, and incredibly small for no reason apart from squirrel warfare. What? I thought it would look awesome, seeing one of those small tanks chase a squirrel around.

We had moved back into the mansion, left to me by my (crazy) grandfather, and had settle in one of the many pointless living rooms ( I had five now). The marines had set up base on one end, apparently being best buddies or something, and the guard on the other end. They didn't camp together because of "too many difference in day to day activities and physiology", which I could understand, from what I learned of the space marines.

"Well, Imperator-man, if you'll give us leave, I feel the general will have to help coordinate his men, and I need to stop Fayhr from chocking half my men to death." Eulrak Stated, before standing a jog (run? Couldn't tell) back to his side of the room. Needless to say, he was very slow. The general followed his example, just being very much slower.

Now, I I have no real issues letting these guys crash here as long as they're tiny, but I do have a few personal itches that annoy me. Eulrak was normal and polite enough for a military man, but Fayhr was an issue in itself. First thing he does? Surrenders and hijacks my shoulder, and tear my shirt collar to kingdom come. Then, orders me around and gets me to play camping tour guide for their small army, which was apparently 5000 strong, plus the space marines. And he had never said please, or thank you.

My biggest problem, however, was that no one was polite enough to have ASKED MY NAME. "Can't be that hard to learn a person's name..." I silently muttered to myself.

"Let us try that, then. What is your name, dear benefactor?" one of the marines asked, a small, blue one with the black guys' pauldrons asked. He was carrying a staff, and had a weird mechanical object, similar to a hood, on the top of his head, with tubes reaching down to meet his skull.

But I knew what he was. Eulrak had pointed him out while he was explaining things earlier. He was a librarian, a psychic recruited into space marine chapters to give them more shiny superpowers, because they can. From what was said, I'd probably keep psychics as far away from battle as possible, to make sure they don't explode violently and become daemons.

"But you're a psyker, can't you just read my mind and know?" I answered, only half-joking.

"I would, but it's more polite to ask." He said, and judging from his tone, he was also only half-joking. "However, your mind is strong, resistant even. I cannot breach it. Not with this size, anyway. I am Korallus, by the way. You may call me Kor."

"I'll do that then, Kor. But about my name, Just call me Imperator-man like everyone else. We wouldn't want to confuse them too much, you know?" This time, I was widely smiling: I had found refuge! A space marine who, despite being a psychic and such, had proven to be the most civil member of my new roommates.

I had spent a few good minutes speaking to Kor, asking a few more questions about the future, and mankind's place in it, and if we still had television. Answer? Yes, awesome. But, epically censored by the imperium. Less awesome, but that's life. He was getting rather deep in explaining the imperium's roots, with the emperor and the primarchs, when Fayhr jumped on my shoulder, and proceeded to rip and tear the other side of the collar.

"Imperator!" What, it got shortened? "The general asked me stop by, he said that his men need some provisions. Honestly, some of mine do as well. What we have on our vehicles and in our packs are not enough to sustain our numbers."

Great, a problem to fix. Without a doubt, it will be the first of many lodging issues, though hopefully the general and captains will only bring things to my attention if they are really necessary. I swear, a single person asks me what they can use to wipe their noses and he'll go straight in the fireplace.

"Sorry Kor, I'll have to put our chat to a different time" I said, giving the librarian a small nod, then turned to the captain. "Well captain, I hope your men like cereal and eggs, because that and MREs are the only thing I can make without the kitchen exploding."

"Your kitchen is wired to explode if things go outside your food preference?" I wouldn't be surprised, knowing my grandfather. "Awesome."

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><p>Cassandra Williamson<p>

Well, this was different. At first, having crazy green apes in the garage was a terrible situation, because I felt a lot like target practice. Then the eldar came in, and they were quite interesting. Sad thing though, was that inquisitor guy, Teliun, did something to my mind, and it hurt like hell. I was lucky enough Calenna intervened and smacked him silly, or... something might have happened, I don't know. But now? Sisters of battle. Sounds kinda poetic, given the name, but apparently they're all just over-zealous killing engines. That's what Teliun was trying to tell me while the eldar kept them paused, but I trusted him as far as I could throw this house. Which is to say, I didn't.

"I am telling you, they are pompous, arrogant fools who, at the first wrong comment on your part, will not hesitate to incinerate you!" Teliun desperately tried, again, to get me to change my mind.

"Like you didn't hesitate to give me a class 5 headache? Yeah, no. you're not killing them. I'll try to keep them from killing the eldar, but as far as I'm concerned, you, along with the orks, are fair game." and with that, I let him stew awhile. Of course I didn't mean it, but I felt that he should feel threatened by a lot more than the farseer, mostly in my house.

"Cassandra, dear child, it may be best if you set me down. The sisters, as the inquisitor said, tend to have a penchant for over-zealotry." Calenna softly whispered in my ear, and I complied, mostly because I really didn't want this to end badly. "Down by my brothers and sisters. Ah, thank you, child. Be most careful, I implore you."

"I'll try my best, thanks." Then came the hard part. Getting what was (apparently) one of the most fanatical armies in the future to stand down in the face of one of their most hated enemies. "So... who's the leader?"

One of them, colored the same as the others, in black and gold, and helmet-less like many of them, walked forwards. "That would be me, adolescent. What do you require?"

"Well, that you don't fight the eldar? I have no problem giving you shelter until my mom comes back in a week or so, but I don't want half the house missing when that happens." I felt that she wasn't quite sold on the idea just yet, so I tried something else. "If anything, it should be the orks you should be fighting! The inquisitor and Cale... the farseer have looked into a few options, but they've constantly stated that they're underpowered. With some help they could, you know, get rid of the greater threat?"

"True, the orks are more destructive... very well, we shall cleanse the greenskin infestation first, then, once you can no longer lodge us, we will turn our attention. Does that suit you?" The Sister answered, much more reasonable than Teliun had made them to be.

"Sure, deal!" I said, and stretched out my hand to the small woman. To my surprise, she bent out of the way of my fingers and looked straight up my sleeves. I brought my hand back up, but it was too late: she had seen them.

"Who hurt you, lass? Was it that damn inquisitor? The eldar?" She loudly asked, making it seem more like a command than anything else.

"No! No, it was the orks! I looked in the garage to see what was going on, and a bunch of the rocket ork guys jumped me!" I hurriedly answered, and honestly at this point I found her quite intimidating.

"Don't lie, what did the inquisitor do to you?" She asked again, her voice reflecting drill instructors seen in all those war movies and whatnot.

"Nothing! The inquisitor didn't even scratch me!" I half-lied, trying to get her off my back. Apparently the word "moderation" means nothing in the future.

"That just confirms it." She said, and judging by her continuation my face looked kind of dumb. "I already knew he was a psyker. Not only that, your eyes are bloodshot, the bags under your eyes are huge and you've been rubbing your head every few minutes ever since I saw you. How long has he been here?"

"Him and the eldar have been here two days..." I meekly answered. What was she getting at?

"Then I think that he's been trying to break your mind while you sleep, make you more susceptible to suggestion." I was pretty sure I had heard Calenna shriek at Teliun, but I was too concentrated on the warrior in front of me who, despite her size, was making her presence very commanding and known. "Judging by the way he was trying to get you to throw me out, he thought he had succeeded. I suspect the eldar farseer had a hand against that, had been protecting you."

Calenna was protecting me? This whole time? But wait... "Is there any permanent damage? Like... brain damage, that kind of thing?" to my relief, she shook her head.

"No, I good few nights of sleep, without intervention, and you'll be quite well. I imagine you must be tired, it's said to be a side-effect. And don't worry about Teliun, we'll stand watch for you as you sleep." once again she proved attentive to my facial expressions (Let's be honest, my face was 10 times her size). "Don't worry, child. Unlike a certain inquisitor getting garroted by an eldar farseer over there, we will show proper respect to our host in the few days we will be accommodated here. And then, we will leave without trouble, so don't worry."

Well, at first she kinda scared me, but I guess she isn't so bad after all.

"Well, if you'll be living here, might as well know each-others' names. I'm Cassandra Williamson." I stated, saying my name quite loudly so that the small army that had followed her could hear.

"Well met, Cassandra. I am the leader of the sisters of battle here present, Canoness Alhmeda." She answered, strong enough so that the eldar army, were it not worried about stopping their farseer from killing the inquisitor for some ungodly reason, could hear. "Now, you mentioned greenskins."

* * *

><p>TEACH<p>

Now that was something worth seeing once, and twice, and then some. Bunch of them squirrels were attacking little tan men! Now call me superstitious all you damn well please, but aggressive squirrels are definitely some sort of apocalyptic symbol. So I did what all sane men in the face of apocalypse alien squirrels would do and made them meet my rusty fork collection, and cooked them for supper. But that's everyday business here in these here woods. What's worth seeing is that them tan men followed me here, and started asking for help.

"Well, mister tan smurf, there's plenty of squirrel for you and all of your little friends, as long as it don't annoy Harry. It doesn't, now? Well, little man, go on ahead and have some meat." Now, Harry a great fellow, good friend of mine who's been around for as long as I have. Other people pretend not to see or hear him, but they're just downright rude.

"Thank you very much, Gue'la. Shas'la, eat and gather your strength, we have quite a way to go." Said their small boss, one of the guys wearing lots of boxes.

"Who's this Gela dude and what's he done worth thanking?" I asked. Darn it, these were some weird folk.

* * *

><p><strong>Tau in the hands of a crazy guy in the woods. Can I have a hell yes please?<strong>

**In all honesty, that'll probably be all in terms of armies for now and the foreseeable future. But i'll try to keep things interesting. And yes, orks must be purged. Realistically, they wouldn't let themselves get bossed around by a humie, EVER. But that doesn't mean it'll be all you see of them, oh no...**

**Well, Please leave a review, good or bad, tell me what you like, what I should improve on, and such. Just, civility would be appreciated.**


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